An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.
Just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, I found myself spending a Friday night watching GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra - a movie so inane that it had me harking after the lyrical witticisms of the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special (Skeletor has his heart warmed by a blue alien puppy, it's really rather moving actually).
With so much money having been spent on special effects, there wasn't much left to develop a "plot" per se but this is, roughly, what was happening between explosions: A weapons expert by the name of James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) has developed a nanotechnology-based bomb that is capable of destroying whole cities. Oh, and McCullen had some sort of treacherous Scottish ancestor who had his head encased in a smouldering metal mask as punishment for some nefarious act against the French, which might, just might, be a foreshadowing of things to come. But that's enough historical back-story for now, this is a movie so it's not supposed to be educational.
Back to McCullen's bombs. He sells four warheads to NATO, then for some reason he needs to get them back and so still sends them out to be delivered by a crack US military troop led by Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) BUT craftily sends his own team of expert soldier types led by the Baroness (Sienna Miller) to steal the warheads back. This allows for far more choreographed fight scenes than simply switching the package prior to dispatch would. The Baroness manages to gain possession of the warheads but not before Duke has recognised her to be his ex-fiancée Ana-Maria who broke it off with him after becoming rather peeved about him getting her brother killed. Just as this shocking revelation is sinking in, the GI Joe team arrive (all the old Hasbro favourites - Scarlet, Snake Eyes, Breaker and Heavy Duty), some snappy dialogue is exchanged and, 80s power montage cut short, Duke and Ripcord join up with the Joe squad.
Won't someone please think of the warheads?! McCullen wants his warheads weaponized. Lots of people shout as much lots of times during the movie. Heh, given that they are warheads, surely weaponizing them would be rather redundant? If they weren't already weaponized, wouldn't they just be somewhat overly large flasks? Luckily, logic has no place in the world of GI Joe. Conveniently, the Baroness' husband (the Baron?) is a top-notch billionaire French (told you so!) scientist who happens to have his own particle accelerator. Hubby is innocently accelerating particles hither, thither and yon when the Baroness and her villainous bunch burst in and demand that he WEAPONIZES THE WARHEADS. Deciding against offering a scientific rebuttal, hubby waves the warheads next to the particle accelerator in a vaguely weaponizing fashion.
Several other things then happen and they may be sort of meant to be linked. The Eiffel Tower (told you so again!) is destroyed in order to demonstrate something to someone. Not only is the Baroness actually Ana-Maria who was actually engaged to Duke before he seemingly got her brother killed although her brother wasn't actually killed and is actually The Doctor who is actually working for McCullen, Storm Shadow who is also working for McCullen is actually the evil former foster brother of Snake Eyes. Small world! Oh, and there's something to do with ice. Ice sinking and destroying things. I'm going to be very careful the next time I put an ice cube in my coke in case it sinks to the bottom of the glass and destroys the table that the glass is on.
GI Joe should come with a health warning - you could seriously injure yourself trying to suspend your disbelief to the necessary levels to survive through the whole thing.
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Please note this is a region 2 DVD and will require a region 2 (Europe) or region Free DVD Player in order to play. In an age when the threat of global terrorism looms large, the world needs a hero--or a whole team of heroes. And who better suited to the job than the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity (otherwise known as G.I. JOE), an elite military unit set up to counter those groups or individuals who pose a threat to peace, and who seek to destabilise the world through terrorist means. One such organisation is Cobra, a shadowy international crime syndicate bent on world domination. Not only must G.I. JOE contend with this persistent threat, but it must also thwart the plans of a corrupt arms trader named Destro, known for his cutthroat dealings. Sophisticated and determined though its enemies may be, G.I. JOE is always one step ahead of the game with the very latest in next-generation spy technology and military equipment at its disposal. And it will stop at nothing to hunt down its enemies; whether they're hiding in the mountains of Central Asia, the deserts of Egypt, the crowded streets of Paris, or beneath the ice caps of the North Pole. Actors: Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christopher Eccleston Directors: Stephen Sommers Writers: Stephen Sommers, David Elliot, Michael Gordon, Paul Lovett, Stuart Beattie Producers: Bob Ducsay, Brian Goldner Language: English Audio Description: English Number of discs: 1
Action thriller directed by Stephen Sommers and set ten years in the future. The story revolves around the exploits of a specialised military unit know as GI Joe (Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity). When unsavoury arms dealer Destro (Christopher Eccleston), who heads evil organisation Cobra, becomes too powerful, GI Joe must try to dispense of him and his organisation using its latest high-tech weapons and gadgetry. The film also stars Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Marlon Wayans and Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, with Jonathan Pryce making an appearance as the US President.
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